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NEW  BEOOIS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


A FARCE. 


by  the  author  op 

“ Enlisifedfor  the  War,”  “^y^Joth'7’s^e  FloVer  ot  the  Family," 

Jug,”  “ Above  the  Clouds, ^ l^One&rS?M’  ‘1  Thf,Little  Brow* 
Breakers,”  “ Bread  on  the  Waters  ”<“r>,?d  Y.  ^Ago’  “Among  the 
Time,”;1  The  Last  Loaf,”  “Stand  by  the \^ei °nce  on  a 
^ys^rlous  Disappearance,”  “Paddle  vlltn  T£e  lemPter,,,  “ A 
too  Much,”  “A  Little  More  Cider  » “A Thl^A  Cai^e>”  “ A Drop 
Never  Say  Die,”  “ Seeing  the  Elenhard  Among  the  Roses,” 

Duchess  of  Dublin  ” “ Thirty  P7  7 The  Boston  Din  »»  «*  ThP 

all  Teetotalers,’-  A Clo  Je  ShL^-?  ^ Sf-  Refreshments,”- We’re 
Troubles,”  “A Tender ^ ’ 1 » ^bllc  Benefactor,”  “ A Sel^f 

the  Press’,”  ^ °fFire’”  “Freedom  of 

Humors  of  the  Strike  ” “Mv  TTnrOo  +v,  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury,” 
Sweep  Clean,”  “ The  Qreat^lSr  »e«^  CaPfcaiD>”  “New  Brooms 
Man  with  the  Demi  The  RnnaZhe  Hypochondriac,”  “The 

Wanted,  a Male  Coik,”  “A  Love  of  a Bon^i’ » <FH  Th  ief  of 
No  Cure,  No  Pav  ” “ti-io  -a  -Sonnet,”  “APreciousPicklp  '•* 

W3 sfcSgsssss; 

the  Sculptor’s  Triumnh  ” «Thi  nv?®*  The  RevoU  of  the  Bees  ” 
War  of  the  Roses,”  “ An  Ori  T°,Urn,^nt  of  MylcourV’ “ The 

Ihe  Seven  Ages,”  “ Too  Lafp  fnr??e,rr  . Fedler  of  Very  Nice  ” 


boston 


THE  SOCIAL  STAGE 


ORIGINAL 

DRAMAS,  COMEDIES,  BURLESQUES, 

AND  ENTERTAINMENTS  FOR  HOME  RECREATION, 
SCHOOLS,  AND  PUBLIC  EXHIBITIONS 


BY 

GEORGE  M.  BAKER 


CONTAINING 

The  Last  Loaf  Lightheart's  Pilgrimage 

A Grecian  Bend  The  War  of  the  Roses 

Too  Late  for  the  Train  Thirty  Minutes  for  Refreshments 
Snow-Bound  A Little  More  Cider 

Bon-Bons  A New  Broom  Sweeps  Clean 


ENTERED  ACCORDING  TO  ACT  OF  CONGRESS,  IN  THE  YEAR  1870,  BY 

GEORGE  M.  BAKER 

IN  THE  CLERK’S  OFFICE  OF  THE  DISTRICT  COURT  OF  THE  DISTRICT  OF  MASS  A* 
CHUSETTS 

Copyright,  1898,  by  Emily  F.  Baker  (in  renewal) 


G-tn . e.S . T'V  a 4.5  U 0^  ^ 


4 


Til 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


CHARACTERS. 

Noah  Testy,  rich  and  crusty. 

Fred,  his  nephew. 

Jacob  Trusty,  his  servant. 

Tim  Regan, 

Andrew  Swipes, 

JlNG  JlMALONG, 

COSTUMES. 

Testy,  light  pants,  white  vest,  dressing-gown,  black  wig,  black 
fide-whiskers,  wrinkled  face. 

Fred,  modern  suit. 

Jacob,  dark  suit,  gray  wig. 

Tim,  overalls  tucked  into  heavy  boots,  blue  striped  shirt,  blue 
coat  with  brass  buttons,  red  cropped  wig,  hat. 

Swipes,  gray  coat,  gray  vest,  gray  knee-breeches,  top  boots,  long, 
white  neckerchief,  black  hat,  gilt  band,  light  cropped  wig,  light  side- 
whiskers. 

Jing  (as  a Chinaman),  blue  blouse,  loose  yellow  pants  fastened 
at  the  ankles,  white  stockings,  heavy  brogans,  flesh  colored  skull-cap 
(can  be  made  of  unbleached  cotton  like  a night-cap,  made  to  fit  close 
to  the  head  : color  with  flesh  ball,  cut  holes  on  each  side  for  the  ears 
to  appear,  and  it  will  be  tight),  a long  black  cue,  very  red  face,  black 
about  the  chin  and  over  the  lip  to  have  the  appearance  of  being  un* 
f haven 

968 


• new  brooms. 


264 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Scene.—  Testy’s  Study.  Writing-table,  c.  Small  booh 
case  with  looks,  R.C.  Mantel,  with  plaster  bust,  vases , 
and  ornaments,  C.  Chair  at  table.  Stool,  R.O.  Chairs , 

E.  and  L.  Writing  materials,  paper,  &c.,  on  table. 

Enter  Fred,  r.,  followed  by  Jacob. 

Fred.  You  really  surprise  me,  Jacob.  After  twenty 
years’  service,  my  uncle  turns  you  adrift  in  your  old  age. 

It’s  impossible ! „ 

Jacob.  It’s  true,  sir,  I assure  you.  Turned  adrift, 
after  twenty  years’  service,  — and  hard  service  too,  — 
because  I took  the  privilege  of  an  old  servant  to  tell  him 

the  truth.  . 

Fred.  Ah  ! what  was  the  truth  you  told  him  i 
Jacob.  That  he  was  making  a donkey  of  himself. 
He  was  too  old  to  transmogrify  himself  by  putting  on  a 
black  curly  wig  and  dyeing  his  whiskers. 

Fred.  But  why  did  you  tell  him  so? 

Jacob.  Because  I couldn’t  help  it.  The  idea  of  that 
old  gentleman  trying  to  deceive  the  world  at  his  time  of 
life ! He’s  as  gray  as  a badger,  and  as  bald  as  a new- 
born baby.  Soon  he’ll  have  all  the  young  ladies  after 

him. 

Fred.  Perhaps  he  wants  a wife. 

Jacob.  Then  let  him  get  one  honestly.  I don’t  be- 
lieve in  obtaining  goods  under  false  pretences. 

Fred.  Neither  do  I,  Jacob.  But  he’s  his  own  mas- 
ter.  I’m  sorry  for  you ; but  I do  not  see  how  I can 
help  you.  If  he  wants  to  marry,  it’s  none  of  my  busi- 

ness.  , . 

Jacob.  But,  Mr.  Fred,  I think  it  is  your  business, 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


265 


He’s  gallavanting  after  a widow.  I know  that.  He’s 
had  Mr.  Tubbs,  the  lawyer,  here,  drawing  up  a will  or  a 
settlement;  and  I heard  him  say,  “ Now,  Master  Fred, 
you  must  take  care  of  yourself.” 

Fred . Still,  I say  it’s  none  of  my  business.  If  ho 
chooses  to  marry,  let  him.  I have  taken  care  of  myself 
so  far  ; and,  though  I might  reasonably  expect,  some  time, 
to  have  a share  of  his  riches,  I can  do  without. 

Jacob . That’s  very  true,  Mr.  Fred.  Still,  you 
shouldn’t  let  your  uncle  fall  a victim  to  the  schemes  of 
such  an  adventurer  as  Mrs.  Shoddy. 

Fred . Mrs.  Shoddy ! Is  that  the  lady  my  uncle  in- 
tends to  marry? 

Jacob . That’s  the  lady  he  is  dyeing  for.  Yes,  sir ; 
dyeing  by  inches.  He’s  commenced  with  his  whiskers. 

Fred.  She  is  a scheming  adventurer ; and  my  uncle 
must  not  make  a fool  of  himself. 

Jacob.  That’s  what  I say,  sir ; and  that’s  what  I 
made  bold  to  tell  him.  He  took  offence,  and  turned  me 
off. 

Fred.  But,  Jacob,  you  must  not  go.  I’ll  see  my  un 
ele  ; and,  fortunately,  here  he  is.  Don’t  let  him  see  you. 

Jacob.  I’ll  take  care  of  that,  Mr.  Fred.  ( Exit , L.) 

Fred.  What  a transformation  ! The  old  gentleman 
must  be  very  far  gone. 

Enter  Testy,  r. 

Why,  Uncle  Noah  ! What  a change  ! Have  you  “ re- 
newed your  youth  like  the  eagle  ” ? 

Testy.  Oh,  bother  your  nonsense  ! What  is  it  to  you  F 

Fred . Why,  uncle  — 


266 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Testy.  Shut  up ! If  I choose  to  make  a change  in 
my  personal  appearance,  is  it  any  of  your  business?  I 
have  had  trouble  enough  with  that  confounded  Jacob 
Trusty,  and  I don’t  want  to  be  bothered  by  you. 

Fred.  I beg  your  pardon,  uncle  : I meant  no  offence, 
I assure  you.  I am  delighted  to  see  you  looking  so  young 
again.  But,  uncle,  Jacob  tells  me  you  have  discharged 
him. 

Testy.  Yes,  I have  discharged  him  ; and  I have  dis- 
charged Patrick,  and  Sally  Greaser,  — an  impudent  set, 
who  take  advantage  of  long  service  to  insult  me. 

Fred.  Patrick ! you  don’t  mean  it,  uncle : he’s  the 
best  servant  you  ever  had.  And  Sally  Greaser  too.  Why 
there’s  not  her  equal  in  the  city  as  a cook.  Her  soft- 
shell  crabs  are  perfectly  splendid. 

Testy.  Hang  her,  and  her  soft-shell  crabs ! she’s  an 
impudent  hussy.  I’ve  turned  her  off,  and  I don’t  mean 
to  have  another  woman  in  the  house.  I’ll  have  a Chinese 
cook. 

Fred.  A Chinese  cook!  That’s  a novel  idea;  but 
where  in  the  world  will  you  find  one  ? 

Testy.  That’s  my  business.  Fortunately  I have 
friends,  sir,  — yes,  sir,  friends,  who  will  see  that  I do  not 
suffer  for  servants.  I’ll  teach  them  better  manners  than 
to  contradict  me.  I won’t  have  it.  I’ll  let  them  know 
who  is  master  here.  I’m  going  to  commence  with  a new 
get  this  very  day. 

Fred.  A new  set? 

Testy.  Yes,  a new  set.  I’m  going  to  turn  over  a new 
leaf.  44  New  brooms  sweep  clean.”  With  a new  set  rec- 
ommended to  me  by  a lady  who  knows  something  about 
housekeeping. 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


267 


Fred.  A lady  : pray,  may  I inquire  who  she  is  ! 

Testy.  Mrs.  Shoddy. 

Fred.  Mrs.  Shoddy? — ( Aside .)  So  the  schemer  is 
at  work.  — (Aloud.)  But,  uncle,  are  you  not  afraid  to 
give  a lot  of  new  servants  control  of  the  house  ? 

Testy.  Afraid?  No,  sir.  I shall  have  nobody  but 
whom  Mrs.  Shoddy  recommends.  I have  the  greatest 
confidence  in  her ; and,  whoever  she  sends,  I will  em- 
pioy. 

Fred.  Ah,  uncle  ! be  careful  of  your  44  new  brooms.” 
They  may  sweep  cleaner  than  you  will  like. 

Testy.  Well,  sir,  it’s  none  of  your  business,  as  long 
as  I like  it.  You  may  be  owner  of  this  property  some 
day,  and  then  you  can  do  as  you  like  with  it.  While  it 
is  mine,  I shall  exercise  the  same  privilege. 

Fred.  Certainly,  uncle.  I’ve  no  more  to  say.  Good 
day.  — (Aside.)  It’s  too  bad.  The  old  gentleman  will 
be  swindled  by  that  adventuress.  I must  know  what  is 
going  on.  Can’t  I manage  to  get  a 44  new  broom  ” into 
the  house.  There’s  the  Chinese  cook.  I don’t  believe 
Mrs.  Shoddy  has  one  to  send.  At  any  rate  I’ll  be  before- 
hand. I’ll  send  one  myself.  ’Twill  be  a capital  joke. 
He  will  take  any  one  whom  Mrs.  Shoddy  sends.  How 
shall  I get  her  recommendation?  I think  I can  manage 
it. 

Testy.  Well,  sir,  what  are  you  muttering  about  in  that 
corner  ? 

Fred.  I beg  your  pardon,  uncle.  I thought  you  had 
gone.  I was  thinking  where  I could  find  you  a Chinese 
cook. 

Testy.  You  needn’t  trouble  yourself.  I’ll  keep  my 
syes  open  for  one. 


268 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAJ. 


Fred . {Aside.)  And  so  will  I.  And  I’ll  keep  an  eye 
on  these  new  brooms  of  his  too.  {Exit,  r.) 

Testy . {Sits  at  table.)  There’s  another  impudent  fel- 
low* He’d  like  to  say  something  saucy,  I know  ; but  the 
fear  of  the  consequences  deters  him.  It’s  no  use,  Master 
Fred : my  money  goes  to  Mrs.  Testy  ; for  Mrs.  Shoddy 
will  not  consent  to  the  change  on  any  other  conditions. 
Bewitching  widow ! Td  sacrifice  life  itself  for  her. 
{Takes  'paper  from  drawer .)  The  settlement  is  all  ready. 
So,  Master  Fred,  your  chance  for  the  riches  of  old 
Testy  are  decidedly  slim.  {Takes  out  another  paper.) 
What’s  this?  My  bonds  ! Good  gracious  ! I forgot  to 
lock  them  up  last  night.  That’s  very  careless  in  me,  to 
leave  ten  thousand  dollars  of  Uncle  Sam’s  indebtedness  in 
this  loose  manner.  {Knock,  r.)  Hallo  ! Who’s  that? 
{Puts  papers  in  drawer.)  Come  in. 

Enter  John  Swipes,  r. 

Swipes.  Hi  beg  your  pardon,  sir.  Hi  ’ave  ha  note 
from  Mrs.  Shoddy. 

Testy.  Mrs.  Shoddy?  Let  me  have  it.  {Reads.) 

“ My  dear  Mr.  Testy,”  — Her  dear  Mr.  Testy  ! 
Bewitching  widow!  — “I  promised  to  send  you  some 
good  servants.  The  bearer  is  an  excellent  coachman, 
one  to  be  trusted,  who  never  breaks  any  thing  except 
horses.  He  will  suit  you  admirably. 

u Ever  yours,  Cecilia  Shoddy.” 

Ever  yours  ! Delicious  widow  ! — * So,  sir,  you  are  a 
coachman. 

Swipes.  Yes,  sir  ; Hi’m  ha  coachman.  ’Ave  ’ad  hex- 
perience  hin  the  haristocratic  families  hof  the  Hold 
World,  hand  hi  flatter  myself  hi  can  drive. 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


269 


Testy.  Well,  sir ; your  name. 

Swipes.  Swipes,  sir ; Handrew  Swipes,  son  of  Hos* 
ear  Swipes  hand  Hanastasia  Swipes  ; birthplace,  Hessex, 
Hingland ; hage  — 

Testy.  Never  mind  your  age.  You  will  suit  me  ex- 
actly. I engage  you  at  once.  You  don’t  drink? 

Swipes.  Never;  hexcept  hon  hextraordinary  hocca- 
sions,  hand  then  honly  hale. 

Testy.  You’ll  find  your  horses  in  the  stable.  As  soon 
as  possible,  have  the  carriage  at  the  door : I wish  to  take 
a ride. 

Swipes.  Hi’ll  do  hit  hat  once.  ( Exit , R.) 

Testy.  An  English  coachman.  That  style  will  suit 
Mrs.  Shoddy.  If  he  is  as  fond  of  his  horses  as  he  is  of 
superfluous  K s,  he  will  do  admirably.  (Knock,  L.) 
Hallo!  Who’s  that?  Come  in. 

Enter  Tim,  l. 

Well,  what  do  you  want? 

Tim.  If  yer  plaze,  sir,  yer  honor,  I have  a letther 
from  Mrs.  Shoddy. 

Testy.  Mrs.  Shoddy?  Let  me  have  it.  (Beads.) 

“Mt  dear,  dear  Mr.  Testy,” — (Two  dears  this 
time  ! Charming  widow  ! She’s  dearer  than  ever  !)  “ I 
have  again  the  power  to  serve  you.  The  bearer  is  a 
worthy  and  capable  servant,  who  will  admirably  suit 
you.  Your  devoted  Cecilia.” 

My  devoted  Cecilia ! Ravishing  widow ! Young  man, 
your  name. 

Tim.  Tim  Regan,  if  yer  plaze,  sir,  yer  honor. 

Testy.  You  are  recommended  to  me  as  a worthy  and 
capable  servant 


270 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Tim . O sir ! yer  honor,  slip  are  me  modesty. 

Testy.  What  are  your  particular  qualifications? 

Tim . Which  ? 

Testy.  What  can  you  do  ? 

Tim.  Ate,  dhrink,  and  slape,  sir,  yer  honor. 

Testy.  Ah,  humorous,  I see. 

Tim.  Not  much.  I had  the  masles  once,  I think,  sir 
yer  honor. 

Testy.  Pshaw,  man ! Can  you  keep  a room  tidy? 

Tim.  I can  that,  jist ; or  a pig-sty,  eather,  sir,  y@i 
honor. 

Testy.  That’s  all  I want.  I engage  you  at  once. 

Tim.  Thank  yer,  sir,  yer  honor  ; and  the  wages  ? 

Testy.  Forty  dollars  a month. 

Tim.  Forty  — 

Testy.  You  will  go  to  work  at  once.  Get  a duster, 
and  brush  up  my  room.  I shall  expect  great  things  of 
you,  you  are  so  highly  recommended  by  Mrs.  Shoddy. 
Go  into  the  next  room,  take  off  that  coat,  put  on  a linen 
duster  you’ll  find  there,  and  come  back  here. 

Tim . To  be  sure  I will,  sir,  your  honor.  ( Exit , r.) 

Testy . Well,  I must  say  that  Mrs.  Shoddy  has  not 
been  particularly  nice  as  to  the  outward  appearance  of 
the  individual  she  has  selected  to  be  my  body-guard.  He 
looks  more  like  a hod-carrier  than  a gentleman’s  valet. 
But  can  I doubt  her  ? — my  chosen  one  ; the  idol  of  my 
soul ; the  bewitching,  beautiful,  — 

Enter  Jing  Jimalong,  l.  He  stands  grinning  at  Testy, 

with  the  forefinger  of  each  hand  pointing  up  a h 

Chinese. 


Who  in  the  deuce  is  that? 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


271 


Jing.  Muchee  purty  well?  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  As  I live,  it’s  a real  live  Chinaman.  Oh  1 I 
gee  the  beautiful  hand  of  the  divine  Mrs.  Shoddy  in  this. 

Jing.  Me  muchee  big  cookie,  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  Ah,  indeed ! and  who  sent  you  here  ? 

Jing.  Muchee  fine  lady  ; muchee  big  bunchee  on  hei 
back ; muchee  pig-tail  round  her  head ; muchee  fine 
eyes  ; muchee  little  feet  j muchee  fine  all  over,  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  Her  description  exactly.  What  an  intelligent 
foreigner  ! I know  I shall  like  him.  So  you  can  cook? 
Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  Well,  I don’t  want  any  “ Ki  I’s  ” cooked  here ; 
that  may  do  for  your  country.  Can  you  cook  bread? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  Meat  ? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! Muchee  ebery  ting. 

Testy.  Capital,  capital.  He’ll  do.  What  an  angel 
Mrs.  Shoddy  is ! My  friend,  you  wait  here  a moment, 
and  I’ll  find  somebody  to  show  you  to  the  kitchen.  I’ll 
take  you  into  my  service.  You  shall  cook  me  a Chinese 
dish  at  once.  I’m  going  to  ride,  and  I’m  always  hungry 
when  I return.  ( Exit , K.) 

Jing.  Be  jabers  ! here’s  a foine  sitivation  for  an  Irish- 
man ; rigged  up  like  an  owld  woman,  and  jabbering  like 
a Tottenhot.  It’s  all  the  doings  av  Mr.  Fred.  “ Pat,” 
says  he,  — “ Anan,”  says  I, — “Would  yez  be  afther 
kapin’  yer  sitivation  that  my  uncle  took  from  yez,”  says 
he.  “ To  be  sure  I would,”  says  I.  “ Then  come  wid  me.” 
And  thin  he  took  me  to  his  room  ; and,  bedad,  this  is  the 
eonsequince.  I’m  made  a Chinaman  widout  natural  iza- 
jjro  intirely.  “ And  thin,”  says  he,  “ Pat,  it  s little  time 


u,  OF  ILL  LIB. 


272 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


I have  to  tach  the  language.  Say, 6 Muchee,’  and  6 Ki  I ! 5 
to  all  the  owld  gentleman  says,  and  whativer  yer  own  in- 
dulgence may  bid  yez.”  But,  bedad,  it’s  afraid  I am  av 
the  owld  man : if  he  finds  out  the  desate,  I’m  a ruined 
Chinaman  intirely.  Muchee,  Ki  I ! 

Enter  Testy  with  Swipes,  l. 

Testy . Swipes,  just  show  this  individual  into  the 
kitchen. 

Swipes.  Certainly  hi  will.  Why,  hit’s  a celestial ! 

Jing.  {aside.)  A which  is  it?  Begorra  ! what’s  that 
he’s  calling  me  ? 

Testy.  Yes,  it’s  my  new  cook.  Take  him  along. 

Swipes.  Come  this  way.  What  ha  cook  ! What  can 
you  cook? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! Ki ! 

Swipes . His  that  hall?  What  a blarsted  country  that 
China  must  be  ! {Exit,  R.) 

Jing . Musha,  I’m  in  for  it ! {Exit,  r.) 

Testy . What  a novelty ! I’ve  got  the  start  of  my 
neighbors,  thanks  to  dear  Mrs.  Shoddy.  I’ve  no  doubt 
I shall  find  something  nice  on  my  return. 

Enter  Swipes,  r.  followed  by  Tim. 

Swipes.  The  carriage  is  at  the  door,  sir.  {Exit,  r.) 

Testy.  Ail  right.  Now,  Tim,  get  my  coat  and  hat 
in  the  next  room. 

Tim.  All  right,  sir,  yer  honor.  {Exit,  l.) 

Testy.  {Takes  off  his  dressing-gown.)  I’ve  got  a 
trio  of  new  servants,  and  they  all  look  smart.  That  last 
lot  thought  I couldn’t  do  without  them,  did  they?  There’ll 

nothing  like  a change.  44  New  brooms  sweep  clean.®* 


new  brooms  sweep  clean. 


273 


Enter  Tim  with  coat  and  hat. 

Just  help  me  with  this  coat.  ( Puts  on  hat  and  coat.)  Now, 
Tim,  have  every  thing  in  order  on  my  return.  (Exit,,  R.) 

Tim.  All  right,  sir,  yer  honor.  Faith,  here’s  a 
sthrake  av  luck.  Intirely  out  av  a situation,  I dropped 
in  to  say  me  cousin,  Biddy  O’Honey,  who  lives  wid  Mrs. 
Shoddy.  Biddy  had  a bit  iv  a shindy  wid  the  lady’s 
own  man ; and,  whin  Mrs.  Shoddy  sinds  Biddy  to  fetch 
him  a note  for  Mr.  Testy,  Biddy  pops  it  into  my  hand, 
and  says,  “ You  go,  Tim : he’ll  niver  be  the  wiser  if  you 
give  it  him,  and  you’ll  profit  by  the  place.  Shure,  it’s 
my  duty  to  look  after  my  own  frinds  furst.”  So  here  I 
am,  ingaged  on  another  man’s  karacther.  It’s  little  I 
know  about  the  work,  for  hod-carrying’s  my  perfession. 
Ah,  well,  the  owld  gint  said,  Have  every  thing  in  ordher. 
Faith,  I’ll  do  that  same.  (Takes  a duster , and  fiercely 
brushes  table,  sending  papers  flying  in  all  directions,  and 
upsetting  the  inkstand.')  Oh,murther!  I’ve  upset  the  ink. 
There’s  a black  stain  on  my  karacther.  (Takes  Mr. 
Testy’s  handkerchief  from  the  pocket  of  dressing-gown,  and 
wipes  up  the  ink  ; puts  handkerchief  lack.)  Jist  as  good  as 
new.  (Picks  up  papers.)  The  ould  gint  has  covered 
his  papers  with  pot-hooks  and  scrawls.  They’re  no 
good,  sure.  (Tears  up  papers.)  Now  for  the  drawers. 
(Takes  out  will.  “Last  will  and  testament.”  Sure, 
that’s  no  good.  Here’s  the  last  of  that.  (Tears  up  will. 
Takes  out  coupons.)  Pieters  for  his  ould  gint’s  baby. 
(Throws  them  on  table.)  I’ll  finish  my  dusting.  (Brushes 
mantle,  knocking  off  the  bust  and  vases.)  Oh,  murther ! 
here’s  a crash  among  the  fine  arts.  What  will  Ido? 
(Knock,  R.)  Who’s  that?  Come  in  wid  yer. 

1* 


274 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Enter  Jing,  k. 

Tim.  Och,  murther ! what’s  that  ? It’s  a cannible,  or 
a — or  a — vhat  is  it? 

Jing.  Faith,  I’d  jist  like  to  know  what  a Chinase 
dish  is,  ony  how , afore  I’d  cook  it.  Bedad  ! I must  scrub 
up  my  jography,  shure.  Faix,  thim  fellers  cook  rats  and 
mice  and  puppies!  That’s  it.  Where  will  I find  a 
puppy?  (Sees  Tim.)  Och,  murther!  if  that  ain’t  my 
own  brother  Tim.  What  will  I do  ? He’ll  find  me  out, 
and  raise  a breeze,  sure.  Och,  murther ! Why  was  I 
born  to  die  a Chinaman?  ( Sits  on  stool , with,  head  bent 
down .) 

Tim.  By  my  sowl ! that’s  one  av  them  fellers  that 
come  from  the  bottom  av  the  world.  It’s  a Chinaman. 
Musha,  whist ! Vhat’s  your  name,  I’d  loike  to  know? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Tim.  Faith!  now,  is  it?  And  where  did  yez  come 
from? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Tim.  Vhat’s  that?  Is  it  a Dutchman  yez  are,  or  a 
r Boosian,  or  a Proosian? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Tim.  I belave  yez,  honey.  Poor  owld  feller:  he’s 
deaf,  dumb,  and  blind.  Faix ! have  yez  a small  tay- 
chist  about  yez,  for  it’s  my  owld  woman  that’s  fond  av 
the  wade? 

Jing.  Ki  I ! 

Tim.  Git  owt  av  that,  ye  dirty  blackguard  ! By  my 
sowl,  if  yez  “ Ki  I ” again,  I’ll  thread  on  the  tail  av 
yor  hair.  Away  wid  yez  I 


NEW  BEOOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


27  a 


Jmg.  (Aside.)  Begorra  ! I’d  loike  to  punch  his  head 
for  him,  the  thaif.  (Aloud.)  Ki  I ! Ki  I ! (Exit,  B.) 

Tim.  By  me  sowl ! that  owld  chap  looks  enough 
like  me  brither  Pat  to  be  his  own  cousin ! Chinaman,  is 
it ! Begorra ! it’s  sorry  manners  he  has,  onyhow. 
(Knock,  L.) 

Enter  Fbed,  L.,  disguised  as  an  image-vender,  with  a 
basket  containing  images,  vases,  &c. 

Fred.  Imagees ! Imagees ! 

Tim.  What’s  that?  Imgees ! 

Fred.  You  buy  my  imagees?  Yer  sheep ; ver  sheep, 
Tim.  Faith,  it’s  not  a sheep  I want,  at  all,  at  all. 
Have  yer  a bust  of  St.  Patrick  or  O’Connell,  sure? 

Fred.  No,  no!  Ze  leetle  Nap.  See!  (Showing 
lust  of  Napoleon.) 

Tim.  Faith,  it’s  all  the  same.  How  much? 

Fred.  You  buy,  eh?  Tree  dollar  : ver  sheep. 

Tim.  Sheep,  is  it?  Three  dollars ! Faith,  it’s  deer. 
No,  I’ve  niver  a cint. 

Fred.  No  moneys ! den  you  no  buy. 

Tim.  Hold  on,  Parleyvoo  ! I’ll  trade  wid  yer.  Be- 
gorra ! I’ll  sind  off  some  uv  the  owld  gint’s  books.  He’ll 
niver  rade  thim  all.  (Takes  down  a book.)  “Paradise 
Lost.”  Lost,  is  it?  Faith,  it’s  found  once  more,  thin. 
Whist ! Sh  — ! This  for  the  little  Nap  — hey  ? 

Fred.  (Aside.)  My  uncle’s  much-prized  Bunyan. 
Tim.  It’s  something  about  bunions.  I’m  something 
*v  a corn-doctor,  and  I know  it’s  good.  Is  it  a trade ; 
Fred.  For  ze  leetle  Nap?  Yes.  (They  exchange.) 
Tim . Now  for  the  vases.  What  will  I do  fur  thim  ? 


276 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Fred . Here’s  de  vases.  Yer  rich  Two  dollar. 
Yer  sheep,  ver  sheep. 

Tim.  Will  you  have  some  more  lamin’,  Parleyvoo? 

, Fred.  ( Takes  up  the  coupon  bonds.')  Sharming 
picturs  ! Ver  fine  ! 

Tim.  Oh ! you  like  them,  do  you  ? Faith,  give  me  ths 
vases,  and  they  are  yours. 

Fred.  For  ze  vases?  Too  sheep,  too  sheep.  Yer 
well:  you  have  ze  vases.  ( They  exchange.)  (Aside.) 
Ten  thousand  dollars  ! My  poor  uncle  1 

Testy.  (Outside,  r.)  Oh,  murder ! Murder!  Tim! 
Tim ! 

Tim.  The  owld  gint.  Begorra,  here’s  a row  ! Coom- 
ing,  cooming,  sir,  yer  honor.  (Exit,  u.) 

Fred.  My  uncle  ! I’ll  slip  away.  His  new  broom 
has  made  a clean  sweep  here.  Wonder  how  he  will  like 
it.  (Exit,  l.) 

Enter  Testy,  r.,  his  clothes  muddy,  his  hat  knocked  over 
his  eyes,  supported  by  Tim. 

Testy.  O Tim,  Tim  ! That  coachman,  — he’s  mur- 
dered me ! 

Tim.  And  left  you  spacheless,  the  dirty  blackguard  ! 
Testy.  Upset  me  in  front  of  Mrs.  Shoddy’s  house. 
Bring  me  my  dressing-gown.  (Puts  it  on.)  Here’s  a 
pretty  situation.  (Takes  out  handkerchief,  wipes  his  face , 
leaving  ink-stains  upon  it.)  Why,  what’s  this,  Tim? 
(Looks  around  room.)  What  have  you  been  doing,  you 
villain  ? My  bust  ruined  ! My  papers  destroyed  ! Open 
drawers  ! The  will  gone,  — and  my  coupons  — (seizing 
Tim).  You  scoundrel,  what  have  you  done  with  my 
coupons  ? 


277 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN, 

Tim.  If  you  plaze,  sir,  yer  honor,  I've  been  claning 
up  a bit. 

Testy.  Cleaning  up!  Cleaning  out,  you  mean. 
Where’s  my  money? 

Tim . Money,  is  it?  How  should  I know ? 

Enter  Swipes,  r. 

Testy . O you  villain  ! back  again,  are  you  ? You  ve 
6een  drinking. 

Swipes.  Honly  ha  little  hale. 

Testy.  Didn’t  you  tell  me  you  didn’t  drink? 

Swipes.  Honly  hon  hextraordinary  occasions.  This 
was  one,  when  hi  got  ha  new  place.  Hi  took  ha  little 
hale. 

Testy.  Which  upset  me  as  well  as  you.  I’ll  make 
another  hextraordinary  hoccasion  for  you.  Go  ! I dis- 
charge you. 

Swipes.  Go,  without  warning?  This  his  han  hin- 
sult. 

Testy.  I give  you  warning,  that,  if  you  are  found  in 
this  house  in  five  minutes,  I’ll  give  you  to  the  police. 

Swipes.  Hi  won’t  go  without  my  pay.  Hit’s  hauda- 
cious  ! ( Takes  off  his  coat.) 

Tim.  True  for  you,  honey  : stick  to  that. 

Testy.  And  you,  Tim : I’ll  hand  you  over  to  the  po 
lice  at  once.  You’ve  robbed  me. 

Tim.  Rob,  is  it?  Begorra ! there’s  an  insult  to  an 
Irish  gintleman.  ( Takes  off  his  coat.) 

Testy.  What  are  you  about? 

Tim.  About  to  have  satisfaction,  you  owld  black 
guard! 


278 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


Testy.  Come,  come ; none  of  this.  I’ll  hand  you 
both  over  to  the  police. 

Swipes.  ( Threateningly .)  Pay  hup,  hor  hover  you 
go! 

Tim.  ( Shaking  liis  fist.)  Robber,  is  it? 

Testy.  Do  you  dare  threaten?  (Swipes  and  Tim 
teize  Testy  and,  shake  him.)  Here  ! Help  ! Help  ! 

Enter  Fred,  r.,  Jacob,  l. 

Fred.  Hallo,  uncle  ! what’s  the  matter? 

Testy.  Fred,  you  are  just  in  time.  In  a moment  I 
should  have  fallen  a victim  to  the  violence  of  a drunkard 
and  of  a robber. 

Fred.  Why,  these  are  two  of  your  new  servants. 

Testy.  No,  they’re  not.  They’re  both  discharged. 
One  has  robbed  me,  and  I want  the  police;  Robbed  of 
ten  thousand  dollars ! 

Fred.  Which  I can  restore.  Here  are  your  coupons, 
uncle,  safe  and  sound.  I think  they  have  depreciated  in 
value,  as  Tim  gave  them  to  me  for  a pair  of  vases. 

Tim.  Sir,  yer  honor,  I niver  set  eyes  on  him  bafore. 

Fred.  Oh,  yes,  you  did  ! Imagees? 

Tim.  Begorra  ! it’s  the  Parleyvoo. 

Testy.  I’ve  had  a narrow  escape.  Thanks  to  you, 
Fred.  Jacob,  you’ll  resume  your  old  situation  at  once  ; 
that  is,  if  you  have  not  found  a new  one. 

Jacob . No,  sir.  I went  to  see  Mrs.  Shoddy  to  ask 
for  a place,  but  she  was  in  trouble. 

Testy.  In  trouble? 

Jacob . Yes.  It  seems,  about  a year  ago,  she  ran 
away  from  her  husband,  taking  all  his  money.  He’a 


MEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


279 


found  her  out,  and  this  very  day  arrived  to  take  her 
lome  again. 

lesty.  Her  husband?  A widow  with  a husband! 
Oh,  horror ! my  hair  is  turning  white. 

Jacob . I told  you,  sir,  that  dye  wouldn’t  stick. 

Testy.  Fred,  I think  you’d  better  come  and  live  with 
me.  I don’t  believe  I shall  ever  marry.  I’m  getting  too 
old. 

Fred.  {Aside.)  “ A hungry  fox  is  passing  by.”  — 
(Aloud.)  Thank  you,  sir  ; I’ll  come  with  pleasure.  But 
what  about  these  new  servants  ? ( A dog  heard  yelping 

outside , L.  Then  a crash  of  crockery.  Jing  runs  in , R.) 

Jing.  Och  ! murther,  murther,  murther  ! It’s  kilt  I 
am,  intirely.  {Shakes  his  fist  off,  L.)  Yez  murthering 
thaif  av  the  worrld.  Git  out  av  that ! Away  wid  yez  ! 

Testy.  What  is  the  meaning  of  this  ? It’s  my  new 
Chinese  servant,  Fred. 

Fred.  With  a brogue  like  a wild  Irishman. 

Testy.  You  impostor!  What  does  this  mean  ? Speak, 
quick. 

Jing.  {Aside.)  Oh,  murther ! I’ve  let  the  cat  out 
av  the  bag  ! {Aloud.)  Ki  I ! Muchee  Ki  I ! 

Testy.  That  won’t  do.  What  is  the  meaning  of  that 
44  Ki  I ” ing  down  stairs  ? 

Jing.  {Aside.)  Vhat  shall  I say?  {Aloud.)  Me 
try  cookee  bow-wow ; bow-wow  no  likee  cookee  him. 
Bow-wow  muchee  Ki  I ! me  muchee  Ki  I,  too,  — « 
bow-wow  muchee  run  into  closet:  muchee  crockery, 
— bang,  — bang,  — bang,  — muchee  pieces,  all  breakee. 
Muchee,  — muchee,  — muchee,  — and  be  jabers  ! that’s 
what’s  the  matter  intirely,  or  my  name’s  not  Pat  Regan  ; 


280 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


and  bother  yez  blasted  Chinese,  for  it’s  nearly  broke  my 
jaw. 

Tim.  Pat  Regan  ! be  my  sowl ! I recognize  the  vice 
of  affection  in  my  bones.  ( Seizes  Jing’s  'pigtail , and  pulls 
off  skull-cap .)  It’s  himsilf  intirely.  O Pat,  Pat ! how 
could  yez  ? Is  it  yerself  that’s  disgracing  owld  Ireland 
by  going  over  to  China  ? Begorra  ! ye’s  sowld  yer  birth- 
right for  a mess  of  broken  china.  Be  my  sowl,  I’m  pale 
wid  blushing  for  yez. 

Jing.  Aisy  wid  yer  blarney,  Tim,  or  it’s  a batin’  ye’D 

git. 

Testy.  Patrick  Regan. 

Jing.  Sir. 

Testy.  What  is  the  meaning  of  this  masquerade? 
Didn’t  I discharge  you  this  morning  ? 

Fred.  Let  me  speak  for  him,  uncle.  I alone  am  to 
blame  ; for  I dressed  him  in  the  costume,  and  instructed 
him  in  the  language  of  a Chinaman. 

Testy.  You  did,  you  scamp  ! and  what  for,  pray? 

Fred.  To  assist  you  in  your  endeavors  to  procure 
“ new  brooms,”  and  also  to  outwit  Mrs.  Shoddy. 

Testy.  Well,  if  that  is  a specimen  of  your  proficiency 
in  the  Chinese  language,  the  sooner  you  are  sent  as 
ambassador  to  the  Celestials  the  better. 

Fred.  Uncle,  let  Pat  have  his  old  place : you  can’t 
do  better.  He  wont  contradict  you  again, — will  you, 
Pat? 

Jing . Faith  ! Not  muchee. 

Testy . Shut  up ! Don’t  let  me  hear  any  of  that 
lingo,  or  out  of  this  house  you’ll  go  : for  the  present,  you 
may  take  your  old  plaGe. 


NEW  BROOMS  SWEEP  CLEAN. 


281 


Fred.  And  what’s  to  be  done  with  the  other  servants? 
Tim.  Begorra ! that’s  what  I’d  like  to  know. 

Swipes.  You’ve  crushed  my  ’opes,  hand  hi  want  my 
money. 

Testy.  Pay  them,  and  send  them  off.  I’ll  take  back 
the  old  ones  ; for  I am  convinced,  from  mv  unhappy  ex 
perience  of  the  last  half-bour.  that,  despite  the  old  prov 
®rb,  new  brooms  dc  not  always  sweep  ciean. 

Disposition  op  Chakactes&> 

R , f!os.  Ebsb.  Tbbst.  Swims.  Tat  I 


COMEDY  SKETCHES 

By  Julian  Sturgis 

A collection  of  short  plays  suited  for  amateur  theatricals  or  high-class 
vaudeville,  easy  to  produce  and  of  high  quality.  Recommended  especially 
for  parlor  performance. 

CONTENTS 
Apples.  One  male,  one  female. 

Fire  Flies.  One  male,  one  female. 

Heather.  One  male,  one  female. 

Picking  up  the  Pieces.  One  male,  one  female. 
Half-Way  to  Arcady.  One  male,  one  female. 

Mabel’s  Holy  Day.  Two  males,  one  female. 

Twenty  minutes  each. 

Price , 25  cents 

IN  OFFICE  HOURS 

And  Other  Sketches 
By  Evelyn  Greenleaf  Sutherland 
CONTENTS 

In  Office  Hours.  Comedy  Sketch  in  One  Act,  five  males,  fouf 
females. 

A Quilting  Party  in  the  Thirties.  Outline  Sketch  for  Music, 
six  males,  four  females,  and  chorus. 

In  Aunt  Chloe’s  Cabin.  Negro  Comedy  Sketch  in  One  Act, 
seventeen  female  characters  and  “ supers.” 

The  Story  of  a Famous  Wedding.  Outline  Sketch  for  Music 
and  Dancing,  six  males,  four  females. 

Price , 25  cents 

THE  SOUP  TUREEN 

And  Other  Duologues 

A collection  of  short  plays  for  two  and  three  characters.  Good  quality, 
high  tone  and  confidently  offered  to  the  best  taste. 

CONTENTS 

The  Soup  Tureen.  One  male,  two  females. 

Lelia.  One  male,  one  female. 

The  Unlucky  Star.  Two  males. 

The  Serenade.  Two  females. 

Play  twenty  minutes  each. 

Price,  25  cents 

HOLIDAY  DIALOGUES  FROM  DICKENS 

Arranged  by  W.  E.  Fette 

Comprising  selections  from  “ The  Christmas  Carol,”  “ The  Cricket  on 
the  Hearth,”  “ The  Battle  of  Life,”  etc.,  arranged  in  a series  of  scenes 
to  be  given  either  singly  or  together,  as  an  extended  entertainment.  For 
the  celebration  of  Christmas  no  better  material  can  be  found. 

Price , 2j  cents 


THE  VOICE  OF  AUTHORITY 


A Farce  in  Three  Acts 


For  Female  Characters  Only 
By  Bertha  Currier  Porter 

Seven  females.  Costumes,  modern ; scenery,  a plain  interior.  Plays 
two  hours.  Seven  girls  go  camping  all  by  themselves  so  as  to  have  no 
men  bothering  around.  After  a week  of  it  they  decide  to  send  for  their 
brothers  and  fiances,  but  they  have  no  sooner  done  so  than  they  are  noti- 
fied that  their  camp  has  been  quarantined  by  the  authori  ties  because  one  of 
them  the  day  before  has  been  seen  holding  a baby  that  has  the  scarlet 
fever.  The  men  arrive,  but  are  not  allowed  to  enter,  and  the  girls  can- 
not come  out.  Trouble  follows,  ended  by  the  discovery  that  the  baby  did 
not  have  scarlet  fever  after  all.  Full  of  life  and  laughs;  strongly  recom- 
mended. 


Price , 25  cents 


CHARACTERS 

Tean  Campbell,  the  stenographer,  engaged  to  Bert . 

Priscilla  Carter,  the  newspaper  woman , engaged  to  Ralph . 
Martha  Stearns,  the  cooking  teacher , engaged  to  Max . 
Gladys  Cushing,  the  butterfly , engaged  to  Charlie. 

Margery  Whiting,  the  bride-to-be , engaged  to  Billy. 
Elizabeth  Kennedy,  independent , not  engaged  at  all. 

Dr.  E.  T.  Simpson,  the  physician. 

And 

The  Voice  of  Authority,  unseen  but  all-powerful 


THE  COMING  OF  ANNABEL 

A Comedy  in  One  Act 

By  Alice  C.  Thompson 

Six  females.  Costumes,  modern;  scene,  an  interior.  Plays  thirty 
minutes.  A group  of  village  gossips,  bent  on  the  slaughter  of  the  char- 
acter of  a visitor  to  the  town,  are  routed  and  reformed  by  the  example  of 
Annabel’s  charity  and  amiability.  Good  character.  Clever  and  effective. 
Price,  15  cents 


THE  MISSES  PRINGLES’  LEAP  YEAR 

A Comedy  in  Two  Acts 

By  Amaryllis  V Lord 

Ten  females  and  the  apparition  of  a man.  Costumes,  modern  ; scenery, 
unimportant.  Plays  half  an  hour.  The  Misses  Barbara,  Priscilla  and 
Betsy  Pringle,  while  scorning  matrimony  in  public,  have  a secret  inclina- 
tion toward  it,  and  taking  advantage  of  leap  year,  each,  without  the 
knowledge  of  the  others,  proposes  by  letter  to  Deacon  Smith  with  sur- 
prising results.  Very  easy  and  amusing,  requiring  no  scenery  and  but 
little  rehearsing. 


Price , /j  cents 


fl.  iu.  Pinero’s  Plays 

Price,  50  €acb 


n/ITn  ru  A AJMET  Play  in  Four  Acts-  Six  males,  five  females. 
IVliU-A/MAPlIlLL  Costumes,  modern;  scenery,  three  interiors. 
Plays  two  and  a half  hours. 

THE  NOTORIOUS  MRS.  EBBSMITH  2X.ia“ 

males,  five  females.  Costumes,  modern;  scenery,  all  interiors. 
Plays  a full  evening. 

Till?  DDAll  If*  ATE  Play  in  Four  Acts.  Seven  males,  five 
1 MIL  I KUr  LIvi/A  I L females.  Scenery,  three  interiors,  rather 
elaborate  ; costumes,  modern.  Plays  a full  evening. 

TUP  CPIJAAI  MICTDECC  Farce  in  Three  Acts.  Nine  males, 
1 MIL  OLMUULlYllO  I IvLOO  seven  females.  Costumes,  mod- 
ern; scenery,  three  interiors.  Plays  a full  evening. 

THE  SECOND  MRS.  TANQUERAY  I!$t“ ,AS& 

females.  Costumes,  modern;  scenery,  three  interiors.  Plays  a 
full  evehing. 

CWrrT  I AVEWHER  .Comedy  in'  Three  Acts.  Seven  males, 

0 W ILL  1 LA  V Llll/LIY  four  females.  Scene,  a single  interior, 
costumes,  modern.  Plays  a full  evening. 

TUC  TUITATnERRAI  T Comedy  in  Four  Acts.  Ten  males, 

1 ML  I MUliIiLlADLPLi  I nine  females.  Scenery,  three  interi- 
ors; costumes,  modern.  Plays  a full  evening. 

TUU  TIMEQ  Comedy  in  Four  Acts.  Six  males,  seven  females. 
I ML  I IIYILO  Scene,  a single  interior ; costumes,  modern.  Plays 
a full  evening. 

TUI7  WEAVER  QEY  Comedy  ill  Three  Acts.  Eight  males, 
I ML  YY  LAIyLiy  OLA  eight  females.  Costumes,  modern; 
scenery,  two  interiors.  Plays  a full  evening. 

A WIFE  WITHOUT  A SMILE  Five  males,  four  females. 

Costumes,  modern ; scene,  a single  interior.  Plays  a full  evening. 


Sent  prepaid  on  receipt  of  price  by 

Walter  pater  & Company 

No.  5 Hamilton  Place,  Boston,  Massachusetts 


■Cijt  William  fatten  Ctiitton 
of  $lapss 

fttitc,  15  €ent£  Cactj 


four 

va- 


AS  YOU  LIKE  IT  $£3&  ^SSS^S^Sfm 

ried.  Plays  a full  evening. 

CAMILLE 

INGOMAR 

THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENICE  mlTe^threefenmles.  Costumes, 

picturesque ; scenery  varied.  Plays  a full  evening. 

RICHELIEU 

evening. 

THE  RIVALS  ^«^oi  wT* 

full  evening. 

SHE  STOOPS  TO  CONQUER  maTetU?  femaletCtScenFeryevT- 

ried;  costumes  of  the  period.  Plays  a full  evening. 

TWFI FTH  NIGHT:  OR,  WHAT  YOU  WILL  ^c^e^en males, 

three  females.  Costumes,  picturesque  ; scenery,  varied.  ays  a 
full  evening. 


Sent  prepaid  oil  receipt  of  price  by 

falter  'Bafter  & Company 

No.  5 Hamilton  Place,  Boston,  Massachusetts 


6.  J.  PARKHILL  a CO..  PRINTERS,  BOSTON.  U.S.A. 


